


Requiem of a Dream

by Somnum



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Could potentially be seen as pre-John/Dave, Gen, Mentions of canonical violence, No pairings really, Post-Sburb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-30
Updated: 2012-06-30
Packaged: 2017-11-08 20:39:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/447326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Somnum/pseuds/Somnum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At first you remembered everything so vividly you’d see Terezi at every corner, Karkat browsing through clothing racks, Kanaya flipping past records in a jukebox. You’d wake up, chest heaving, eyes wet, John’s corpse spread across your mind. Why sleep when all that would come to your mind was destruction and bodies and white heat and lies and your chest hurting?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Requiem of a Dream

You can’t tell what’s real anymore. You can’t tell what a dream is anymore. You thought you were outside and awake and there was a butterfly next to you. Reaching out, you gestured to the butterfly. It landed on your palm, delicate and light. But then there was a sharp sting, a prick through your skin, red red red blood beading up, and the butterfly was gone and you were left holding a thorny plant. 

It’s been this way for a while. Ever since you returned from death and Prospit and Derse and madness and killing and trolls and you don’t even know what the hell it was. At first you remembered everything so vividly you’d see Terezi at every corner, Karkat browsing through clothing racks, Kanaya flipping past records in a jukebox. You’d wake up, chest heaving, eyes wet, John’s corpse spread across your mind. Why sleep when all that would come to your mind was destruction and bodies and white heat and lies and your chest hurting? So you stopped as well as you could. It took a while to wean yourself off and on occasion you take naps for an hour or two. You feel much better, so much better it’s laughable, so you do laugh. It sounds hollow and off to your ears and you look around frantically (Who was that was it Gamzee?) but you’re alone, alone as usual now, and your throat hurts so hot damn it was you. And you knew it was you and know it is you but your body’s lied to you before. Your very eyes have betrayed you and your ears and your nose and your fingertips and does your body even belong to you anymore? 

You don’t leave the house after the butterfly. Why bother why deal why why why? Hours of your life are spent on the computer. Should you click the portal that could bring back all the memories, stronger and worse than ever? Pesterchum sits in your desktop and you swear it winks at you (mutters something about C0M3 0N C00LK1D) so you click and double click and why can’t you stop clicking? No one is online and you sag in relief, can’t help the smile that spreads across your face even though it _hurts_. But then blue text appears and there are exclamation points and dinging and accusatory tones through joyful greetings (where were you when I was killed Dave? When I was dead and Rose was slaughtered and Jade was spread eagle, bloody and cold?). You try to talk, try to ask if sometimes John looks down at his hands and they’re rainbow and sticky and smelling of blood too, try to remain ironic and calm and cool. He doesn’t respond for a moment and when he does you imagine his questions quiet and soft and swaddled in blankets (are you okay man? we’re both on break, i could come and visit you if you want…) and before you know it you’re agreeing and leading him through the steps of buying a plane ticket. 

You want to ask your Bro if it’s okay (You haven’t even seen another person for god knows how long not one single soul except for the shades of trolls) and you pull down a small framed photo from a shelf out of eyesight and you ask him and he says nothing. Nothing like always but maybe that means he’s okay with it.

John was coming in a day and you couldn’t piece your life back together in that time (knew it was a mess, a failure, not a heroic triumph). But you could clean like the devil was after you, like Jack Noir was knocking at your door. You sweep smuppets into your closet (because you aren’t going into Bro’s room ohnosir he might be back any day) and your dishes are so crusted with food you just throw them out and a whisper spreads across your apartment (R34LLY? 1S TH1S WH4T D4V3 STR1D3R H4S B33N R3DUC3D TO?) and you scream at it to SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP NO ONE ASKED YOU. You’re going to need to go outside to get John you realize (horror crackling in your chest, what if you pick up a corpse?) and fuck if Sollux ends up in your car again muttering something about primitive technology while stroking your dashboard. 

The night flows by, slipping past you without asking and you spend it on the roof or you try to. You walk up and sit near the edge and there’s a bit of a broken sword next to your foot and you feel like jumping off the roof. You peer off the edge (the ground looks hard and like death and comforting). Would you reach god tier if you jumped? You can’t help yourself, you laugh and it’s louder than last time and now you can’t stop. It hurts your stomach and your lungs and Rose is in front of you and she slaps you. She grasps your head in her hands, kneeling now, and you gaze into her (maybe real maybe not) purple eyes. Get a grip on yourself, she warns you. Talk to me Dave, we want to help, we all do. Stop shutting yourself up in your head please, I can’t reach you are you even paying your phone bill? Don’t need to, you whisper and your voice sounds broken to your own ears, worn out and scratchy. She sighs and the wind ruffles your hair and you glance around hoping that John is hidden somewhere.

He’s not, he’s coming tomorrow you tell yourself, but there’s Jade and she’s next to Rose and her hand touches your cheek and you want to cry because it’s warm and your dream specters have never been warm and had rough palms before. You ask her if she’s real and her eyes grow wide before they soften and she sits down next to you, talking a hand in hers. You’re sure she’ll disappear now but she’s nodding and you can see her green text swirling above her head spelling out that of course she’s real! You ask them if they can see the trolls too and Rose shakes her head sadly and how are they okay? They stay on the roof with you all night and you drift off to sleep for more than two hours and the nightmares come but Rose and Jade remain blissfully alive in them. You wonder if being together had stopped them from seeing the trolls because you remember right after the game ended Jade inviting Rose to stay with her maybe for a bit because she just didn’t want to be alone. Maybe you should have all stayed together.

But when you wake up they’re gone and you wander back to your apartment thinking maybe you will go out to get John. Or maybe not. The curtains are pulled up for the first time in ages and the sunlight makes your apartment strange. Rose is perched on the couch with a bowl of dry cereal and you can tell from her face that it is beyond stale. Jade is throwing everything from your fridge into the garbage. You go and tap her shoulder, bare feet slapping against the tiles you washed yesterday. She’s still solid and warm and maybe, you start to think, she really is real. The clock that one of them must have fixed says 2:15 and fuck you’ve missed John’s flight but you’re pretty sure you’ve just slept for at least 3 more hours than all of the time you’ve slept in the last month combined. Jade points you out of the kitchen and now John is sitting on the couch too and Rose slips out past you.

John looks up with a smile but it falters and suddenly you’re aware of how your bones are sticking out and you haven’t bothered with your shades. But he looks great and alive and you haven’t seen him in person since the game ended (two years? A year? You don’t even know anymore). He’s off the couch and his arms are around you and your arms are around him and he’s whispering into the crook of your neck and you’re shaking and he rubs a hand down your back. He tells you not to worry and you break in, about to talk and he looks up, fixes you with his blue eyes and your words are gone because he’s telling you that you’ll all get through it together and he’s transferred schools for the upcoming year and so have Rose and Jade. They’ll be here and not there and not dead and maybe maybe maybe you’ll be able to sleep better now and Terezi will go back to Alternia and you’ll be able to make your dreams stay dreams.


End file.
